Jai Ramakrishna
(Below are some of the most inspiring incidents in the life of Swami Vivekananda.)
Sometimes when I found that there were not enough provisions for the family and my purse was empty, I would pretend to my mother that I had an invitation to dine out and remain practically without food. Out of self-respect I could not disclose the facts to others. My rich friends sometimes requested me to come to their homes or gardens and sing. I had to comply when I could not avoid it. I did not feel inclined to express my woes before them nor did they try, themselves, to find out my difficulties.
A few among them, sometimes, used to ask-me, “Why do you look so pale and weak today?”
Only one of them came to know about my poverty without my knowledge and, now and then, sent anonymous help to my mother by which act of kindness he has put me under a deep debt of gratitude.
‘Some of my old friends who earned their livelihood by unfair means, asked me to join them. A few among them who had been compelled to follow this dubious way of life by sudden turns of fortune, as in my case, really felt sympathy for me.
There were other troubles also. Various temptations came in my way. A rich woman sent me an ugly proposal to end my days of penury which I sternly rejected with scorn. Another woman also made similar overtures to me. I said to her, “You have wasted your life seeking the pleasures of the flesh. The dark shadows of death are before you. Have you done anything to face that? Give up all these filthy desires and remember God !”
In spite of all these troubles, however, I never lost faith in the existence of God nor in His divine mercy. Every morning taking His name I got up and went out in search of a job.
One day my mother overheard me and said bitterly, “Hush you fool, you have been crying yourself hoarse for God from your childhood, and what has He done for you?”
I was stung to the quick. Doubt crossed my mind. “Does God really exist”, I thought, “and if so, does He really hear the fervent prayer of man? Then why is there no response to my passionate appeals? Why is there so much woe in His benign kingdom? Why does Satan rule in the realm of the Merciful God?”
Pandit Iswar Chandra Vidyasagar’s words—“If God is good and gracious, why then do millions of people die for want of a few morsels of food at times of famine?”—rang in my ears with bitter irony.
I was exceedingly cross with God. It was also the most opportune moment for doubt to creep into my heart.
‘It was ever against my nature to do anything secretly. On the contrary it was a habit with me from my boyhood not to hide even my thoughts from others through fear or anything else.
So it was quite natural for me now to proceed to prove before the world that God was a myth, or that, even if He existed, to call upon Him was fruitless. Soon the report gained currency that I was an atheist and did not scruple to drink or even frequent houses of ill fame. This unmerited calumny hardened my heart still more. I openly declared that in this miserable world there was nothing reprehensible in a man who, seeking for a brief respite, would resort to anything. Not only that, but if I was once convinced of the efficacy of such a course I would not, through fear of anybody, shrink from following it.
‘A garbled report of the matter soon reached the ears of the Master and his devotees in Calcutta. Some of them came to me to have a first-hand knowledge of the situation and hinted to me that they believed in some of the rumours at least.
A sense of wounded pride filled my heart on finding that they could think me so low. In an exasperated mood I gave them to understand plainly that it was cowardice to believe in God through fear of hell and argued with them as to His existence or non-existence, quoting several Western philosophers in support. The result was that they took leave of me with the conviction that I was hopelessly lost—and I was glad.
I thought that perhaps Shri Ramakrishna also would believe that, and this thought filled me with uncontrollable pique.
“Never mind”, I said to myself, “if the good or bad opinion of a man rest upon such flimsy foundations, I don’t care”.
But I was amazed to hear later that the Master had, at first, received the report coldly, without expressing an opinion one way or the other. And when one of his favourite disciples, Bhavanath, said to him with tears in his eyes, “Sir, I could not even dream that Narendra could stoop so low”, he was furious and said, “Hush, you fool ! My Mother told me that it can never be so. I shan’t be able to look at you if you speak to me again like that”.
